You Don't Want Perfect, You Want Real
on the fear and shadows coming up the day before national tv spotlight
In this moment, I’m feeling raw and vulnerable. “Wear Whatever the F You Want”, the makeover TV show I’m on, comes out tomorrow. Last week, I had a breakdown of sorts as I second guessed all of my life choices and decision to pursue such an individualistic path of entrepreneurial artistry. I told myself that my ego was perpetuating more harm in the world than good; that my desire to promote myself was rooted in self-centeredness and unconsciousness; that I needed to become enlightened and transcend my ego immediately or else I’d continue to hurt everyone around me.
Whew. I know that’s a lot - and that’s just a mild summary. Pausing here to breathe slowly and deeply.
My shadows are dark. I’m afraid to give them airtime for fear of overwhelming myself and others. But they’re so prominent in my subconscious right now - the more I avoid them, the more they loom over me.
How can so much self-love and self-loathing exist in one body? How can I have so much conviction one moment that shining my brightest light is exactly what I’m meant to do, and another moment that being a solo artistic entrepreneur is a terrible mistake?
Why is this all coming up so strongly right now? If this TV show isn’t affirmation for my unconventional path, I don’t know what is. But at the same time, it feels like a lot of pressure - for so many strangers to witness me, let alone a version of me I didn’t edit myself, is just…a lot. No matter how much I want to surrender control and say that this has no power or influence over me. Honestly, how could it not?
As the spotlight grows brighter, I demand more of myself. I want to be perfect. But as I write that, I see so clearly how mistaken that is.
My friend Blair had an album release concert last Friday (Records of Resonance - pure gold), and at the beginning of the show he told everyone not to expect perfect from him. “And you don’t even want perfect,” he said. “You’re here to feel something.” To be human.
I’m not here to curate a shiny image of perfect artistry. I’m here to share what’s real and true. I’m here to share my soul, in its messiness and cravings and fears and flaws.
For everyone else out there who struggles with perfectionism and self-doubt, I see you. You care so much. You are so good just as you are. You’re not alone <3
PS: I’m currently in a 10-week songwriting project that has been really helping me let go of musical perfection. Every week, we’re emailed a prompt, and we have 7 days to write, record, and share a song with the group. In this container, I feel free to play and experiment, pushing myself to try new formats and learn even a bit of music production through Logic.
Here’s my short song this week, titled “Right Here”, based on the prompt “The Grass is Greener”. I’m realizing how inspiring it is to witness the journey, not just the final product, of one’s music so… hoping my imperfect play can support y’all to make and share your own creations!
🤘🫶💕🙌 cheerin’ you Akemi!