I Want A Simple, Big Life

Reflections on what that means

It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Right now, I’m looking at a tree - specifically, the sunlit leaves of a tree, and my heart is basically beaming. I feel so content. What more could I want?

But sometimes, my mind is swimming with all the things I want that I don’t have. Enough money to not worry about money. More buyers of my art and listeners of my music. I spend so much time at my computer, creating to-do lists and content calendars and trying to set myself up for future success.

I feel frustrated when people tell me that I am enough. But I could be so much more, I want to reply. I could be releasing albums of my original music which could be resonating with people around the world. I can’t be content. Not when there’s potential to be fulfilled and impact to be made.

It’s confusing, because the work that is actually paying my bills right now is about literally just existing and being still: I’m an art model. I sit in a chair while artists draw me. Or I lie down. When I lie down, sometimes I fall asleep, and that doesn’t even matter. I exist for hours and the artists exclaim over my bangs or my good energy and I’m like, oh, okay, I’m glad you like my existence. And then I pay for all my living expenses.

So in my experience, it doesn’t take much to have a peaceful, happy life. I make myself a bowl of yogurt and granola and berries in the morning and sit in the garden with our cat on my lap; I enjoy the adrenaline of a Youtube workout and the rush of the cold shower after; I paint in our attic; I have an elaborate dinner with my housemates and learn from their different perspectives.

Life is so good, and yet. I’m not at peace with being peaceful. I crave intensity. I want to constantly challenge myself. Live on the edge of my comfort zone. I want to find the things that scare me - making a living from my passions, having vulnerable conversations, writing and recording and releasing original music - and work through my 234985 mental and emotional blocks to do those things.

I guess the trick is to find the balance between chilling and striving; doing and non-doing. And to let go of worry and allow my body to relax as I pursue difficult things.

I just looked up from my laptop and saw a hummingbird, framed beautifully by the trees. I let myself be captivated by its flittery. I want to always witness these simple moments of awe and beauty in my days, even as I grow more complexity in my garden of life.

I think I can do it.