Feelings About the Unknowable Future

in regards to a reality TV show I'm on that will air very soon

As I sit down to write this post, I’m feeling myself savoring this moment. Feeling the smoothness of the black keys of my shiny new Macbook Pro, feeling cozy on the sofa, settling into deep presence with myself. What will emerge? Who knows?

I never know what’s going to happen in the future, or how my actions or non-actions will impact the world. I’m saying this to take some of the pressure off that I put on myself to show up perfectly in every way I possibly, possibly can.

The pressure! It’s so rigid and tense, and heavy on my shoulders and upper back. I’ve been feeling so much pressure around the release of the fashion makeover TV show I’m on that’s coming out in a few weeks. (trailer here for context) It’s been a whole year of anticipation, and obsessing over how I can best set myself up to take advantage of the exposure I’ll get from it. I feel embarrassed to admit that. I want to not care so much. I want it to have less power over me.

Because at the end of the day, I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I will probably never even know the deepest impacts that my episode will have - maybe someone in Brazil hears my story and that helps them quit their job to pursue their passion and that transforms a whole community. I won’t know. Maybe I’m totally misrepresented in the show, and no one is inspired, and nothing happens. And if that was the case, that would be okay.

This show is not the pinnacle of my artistic achievements. It’s fundamentally a celebration and affirmation of my journey, which continues to evolve every single day. This affirmation is powerful - it’s kept me going through dark times this past year. When I doubt myself, I remember the experience of telling my story through round after round of auditions, moving directors and producers and executives enough to be chosen for this out of thousands of people across the country. I remember at the end of filming in NYC, the show director telling me how much I inspired their whole team, how my energy and unbounded self-expression leveled everyone up. I remember coming home with a suitcase full of outfits more beautiful than I knew existed, let alone dreamed of wearing, and feeling full to the brim with gratitude and awe and joy. Feeling utterly transformed. I want to savor all of that.

As I read back what I’ve written, I feel confused. I’m saying that I want to both revel in the power of the show, and also be freed from its power over me. I feel uncertain in the face of such ambiguity. I want desperately to create a clear narrative.

I’m writing paragraphs now, and erasing them, feeling frustrated that I can’t turn this show into a clean metaphor for my art-making. The thing is, this is different. There’s so many other people involved in this art piece, who are shaping the final product, of which I haven’t even seen yet. So it’s not mine alone. I don’t have control over it.

I don’t have control over it, and that feels scary. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of people will watch a 45-minute-long highly edited version of my journey, and I don’t know what that version is, and I don’t know who’s watching, and I don’t know what will happen as a result.

So I surrender control of the outcomes. I trust that what wants to happen will happen. I continue to be aware of my feelings through this process. And I continue to tell the truth.

PS: Alright, the show is called “What Whatever the F You Want”, cohosted by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly of “What Not to Wear”, and it will be streaming on Amazon Prime on April 29th. :D